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Something that Scarred Me More than Childbirth

March 28, 2010

I was twenty-eight years old.  Pregnant with my first-born.  I read voraciously.  Anything to do with childbirth or pregnancy, breastfeeding or making my own baby food, raising their IQ through music, how to get them to sleep through the night, how to burp them, bathe them, swaddle them.  You name the topic and if it were related to gestation, lactation, or swollen ankles, I could recite something I’d read.  Chapter and verse.  I was an encyclopedia of baby related info.  I’d talk about toxemia, water retention, mucous plugs, hemorrhoids with equal interest and excitement.  I’m not sure what was the matter with me, really.  Brain clouded by hormones I suppose.  For those around me who weren’t obsessed with labor induced by nipple stimulation, I must have been a real drag. 

It’s been close to twelve years, and I can remember probably a 10th of this information that I was cramming into my brain as if I were to be tested on it. 

But, one article, I’ve never forgotten.  I can’t remember the name of it, or even where I read it.  But, it talked about the changes a body goes through after having a baby.  It was most disturbing.  I remember them talking about the post partum body in glowing terms.  How the flab on the tummy was there for a reason.  The baby would have somewhere soft to rest.  How a saggy, soft booby was easier to latch on to when nursing.

 By far, the most unsettling thing I’ve ever read was when they described, “down there” after childbirth.    They discussed the change in elasticity and called it, “soft, undulating, tissue.”  Apparently this was supposed to be, perhaps not better than what you started with, but not worse either.  Just different.  I was twenty-eight and  being faced with “soft undulating tissue” was too much for me. 

Hemorrhoids, bring ’em on.  Gestational diabetes, we could work with that.  Mucous plug, looking forward to it.  Episiotomy, ready for it.   But, please, please, not the “soft undulating tissue.”   Has their ever been a less sexy phrase? I think not.

After that information entered my conciousness, I gained a genuine interest in Kegel exercises. 

I apologize for being a weird over-sharer.  But, I had to get it off my chest.  Twelve years, I’ve been turning that phrase over in my head.

 If you’re expecting a baby, and wonder what to expect, you’ll never forget that term either.   “Soft, undulating tissue.”  

Girls, do you Kegels!

9 Comments leave one →
  1. March 28, 2010 5:43 pm

    LOL…you crack me up! I was really into Kegels, too. No one wants to have soft, undulating tissue, right?

  2. March 28, 2010 5:53 pm

    Crack UP!!!! When we were in Lamaze class, practicing our Kegels, a stupid-ass dude who was just a real tool who never listened, raised his hand and said he didn’t understand how to do the exercise. The instructor told him he had to get a vagina first.

    • March 28, 2010 6:28 pm

      There’s one in every group. The same guy who asks the doctor to throw in an extra stitch! lol

  3. March 28, 2010 8:47 pm

    Do kegels really help? I’ve often felt like it doesn’t do much!

    • March 28, 2010 9:36 pm

      I’m not sure. I’m thinking I’ve dodged the “soft undulating tissue” bullet. I’m thanking the kegels! lol

  4. March 28, 2010 11:15 pm

    Or just have a c-section 😉 Atually, that is what I did, but not by choice…and if I could have had it my way I would NOT have had a c-section…but would have been truly thankful to not have read about “soft undulating tissue.” It conjures the image of the waddle like skin old ladies get under their chins.

  5. March 29, 2010 9:35 pm

    That’s hilarious!! Like AZ Mamma, I had a c-section, so I guess I”m not sure how worse it might have been!

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