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House-a-Tosis Meets Poison Oak Disfigurement

July 24, 2010

A little background here.  My husband is freakishly allergic to poison oak.

He also owns a landscaping business.  So, coming in contact with it happens pretty regularly.  

It ain’t pretty!

Often, it gets pretty serious and he ends up getting steroids and shots and what not. It’s a mess.

I’m a stay at home mom. 

 And I suffer with severe bouts of House-a-tosis.  

Pretty regularly. 

I have to be on the move. It may be my ADD, or maybe some latent gypsy gene, but sitting around the house makes me a little loony.

So, now that I’ve filled you in on these two important details, on with the story.

Wayne’s face fell victim to one of his worst encounters with the demonic weed.   One of his eyes was swollen completely shut, his other eye was almost as bad.  His face was huge.

He looked a lot like the kid from the old Cher movie, Mask.  Great movie, by the way, and if you or a loved one is afflicted with whatever the heck he had, I mean no offense.

But, for days, he looked pretty gruesome.  His rash covered, swollen face was “weeping.”  I love that description, “weeping.”  And it was every bit as icky as it sounds. 

The whole shape of his face was seriously altered, due to the swelling.

But, that did not stop me from needing to get out and see the world. I needed a dinner out.  

My little ones were smaller and clingy and just sucking the good sense right out of me.

I needed to get out of the house with an adult.  And my husband was the only option I could think of on really short notice.

It was settled,  I needed a date.  (Even if I wasn’t particularly attracted to my date at the time)


I lied.  I told him that he looked so much better.  I told him that no one would notice.  I told him that it was fine.  And we went out for a really nice dinner.

But, he was acting weird.  He wouldn’t make eye contact with our server when he ordered.  He looked down the whole time. This made me really uncomfortable. 

 I, polite to a fault, explained to our server that my husband was not rude, but had a bad case of poison oak and was feeling self-conscious.  At this, Wayne looked up from his menu, almost in slow motion(it was creepy even to me)and our waitress actually gasped when she saw his face. 

I think I remember having my toe stepped on under the table accompanied by an eye roll, but I couldn’t be sure, because his eyes weren’t actually visible, what, with the swelling and all. 

After she took our order, everyone employed by that restaurant came to our table. Even the dishwasher came out and offered to freshen our drinks.  They all wanted to check my husband out.

I was married to the freak show.  

And like any normal wife, I laughed until I almost peed myself.  I couldn’t look at him without getting tickled again.  Every employee that brought us extra bread or tried to talk us into dessert got me started.  I wiped tears, I laughed so hard, at his expense throughout the entire meal.

Thankfully, he and I both like to laugh, because after he got over the initial discomfort of stealing the spotlight from the bearded lady, it was a hoot.  He kind of got into it before it was all over.

I figured this story would fit Stacey and Sonora’s “What the…?” theme, because I’m sure that’s what the entire wait staff was saying on this particular night.  What the heck happened to him? And what the heck made him think it was a good idea to go out?

Do you have a  “What the…?” moment?   You should link up and share it! - What the...? Week

Have a great weekend!

12 Comments leave one →
  1. July 24, 2010 7:17 am

    You’re such a great wife. Admittedly, I’d do the same. =)

  2. July 24, 2010 9:54 am

    You are awesome!! And that is so funny. I’m glad your husband has a good sense of humor. Thanks so much for playing along with our meme!!

  3. July 24, 2010 10:23 am

    We are familiar with the weeping, Ken is insanely allergic to poison ivy. He read this and laughed with relief that he’s never had it on his face.

  4. July 24, 2010 3:07 pm

    Oh my gosh, I feel horrible for laughing at your husband expense, but I laughed SO hard reading this! My kids wanted to know what was so funny! lol

  5. July 24, 2010 10:29 pm are so very cruel…and for that I love you all the more. We really would get a long so well. I can’t stay in the house for more than one full day…I guess I’ve got house-a-tosis too!!

    Too bad you weren’t blogging back then…I’m sure you would have taken all kinds of cool pictures of your poor husband and posted them for our viewing enjoyment!!

  6. July 24, 2010 11:11 pm

    OK, that’s a perfect What the Heck??!! I cracked up about thinking there was eye rolling going on, but not being able to tell…

    I would have taken him out too….I get pretty wiggy stuck in the house for too long, especially when mine were younger. Hey, at least it’s a date!

  7. July 25, 2010 4:32 am

    This is cracking me up, because I so remember working in a restaurant and everyone going out to check out one table or another for whatever reason… And we always thought we were so coy!

    Your poor hubby! 🙂

  8. July 25, 2010 8:11 am

    I can’t believe you made him leave the house! Shame, shame, LL!!

  9. July 25, 2010 1:19 pm

    How do you not have a picture of this?? I am laughing my butt off! (Or, as the cool kids say, LMFAO!) (I hate acronyms.) I can totally picture this episode, and I love it. I hope there was a kid or two in the restaurant that night that your husband could scare. And the picture of the guy from Mask is going to give me nightmares. I forgot about that movie. I think there’s something about “elephant” in the name of the disease. *Shiver!*

  10. July 25, 2010 7:58 pm

    I would sooo do this very same thing! I love the slow motion look up! That was indeed some fine what the ? moment.

  11. July 27, 2010 10:58 am

    That was hiLARious! Yes, a photo is needed…the slow look up, the weeping…I can’t stop chuckling. I’d be the wife laughing at the table too…thanks for starting my morning off with a good laugh!

  12. July 29, 2010 11:13 am

    That is awesome…you’re my kind of girl, thanks for the laugh!

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